Crabby Jack's Bar and Bistro, Guernsey

Mr Oil and Mr Vinegar have been to visit some of their offshore monies in Guernsey, where they discover Crabby Jack’s by the beach at Vazon Bay.

MrV: Frightful place, Guernsey.
MrO: That’s very unfair. I think it is charming.
MrV: Horribly suburban. I thought there’d be cows everywhere but instead there are little villas and bungalows. Looks like the whole place was built in the 1930s by the same chap that built Finchley and Perivale.
MrO: St Peter Port is nothing like Finchley or Perivale. It is Second Empire, architecturally speaking.
MrV: Rubbish. You’ve been reading books again.
MrO: Anyway, it is a very pleasant place. You can see why so many Brits are trying to move there.
MrV: That has nothing to do with it being pleasant. They are desperately trying to avoid the ruinous taxes in mainland Britain and are willing to be bored almost to death on Guernsey in exchange for saving their money.
MrO: You didn’t look very bored while we were eating that platter de fruits de mer.
MrV: I must say, Crabby Jack’s was rather a surprise. To sit on a sun deck beside the beach scoffing mountains of seafood was an unexpected treat. It was also very useful that the beach shop across the road sold straw hats, as I’d forgotten mine and I hate eating and drinking with my head exposed to the blazing sun.
MrO: You were pretty grumpy about the piped music.
MrV: Yes, but once I’d discovered I could disconnect the speaker nearest us when the waitress wasn’t looking, it became much less of an ordeal.
MrO: I thought the Vazon Bay Platter was extraordinarily good value at £55 for two. It had most of things I like in fruits de mer – I quote from the menu: “Whole Chancre Crab, Half Lobster, Six Oysters, Six King Prawns, Shell on Prawns and Freshly Steamed Mussels.” They also threw in some smoked salmon which wasn’t on the menu.
MrV: Why must restaurateurs start every word with a capital letter? They are like estate agents in that respect – idiots. And another thing – much as I enjoyed it, I suspect that the giant crab was prepared elsewhere. It was a little too refrigerated.
MrO: Perhaps, but it tasted fresh enough.
MrV: Yes, no complaints there. If I hadn’t liked it I wouldn’t have gone back for lunch the following day. The second visit wasn’t quite so successful.
MrO: You should have stuck with what you knew you liked.
MrV: I know, but we couldn’t share another platter because you decided to be a girl and have the Caesar salad.
MrO: Very nice it was, too. You could have had the mini fruits de mer. It looked very good – “One Oyster, One King Prawn, Picked White Crab Meat, Shell on Prawns, Smoked Salmon, Lemon Mayo” – and excellent value at £12.95.
MrV: I think the mention of mayo put me off. Disgusting secretaries’ glop. Anyway, the steak stones looked interesting. I liked the thought of cooking my food on a “searing hot volcanic rock” on the table in front of me. Shame it didn’t really work.
MrO: Was anything cooked properly?
MrV: No, the salmon and tiger prawn kebabs were interspersed with bigger chunks of onion and pepper so the heat couldn’t get to the meat. Also, I don’t think the stones had been properly heated in the first place, because even when I took the salmon and prawns off the kebab sticks and put them directly onto the rock, they still didn’t cook.
MrO: Ah well, a lesson learned. Stick to the platter. Or the salad.
MrV: To end on a more positive note...
MrO: ...unusual for you...
MrV: ...the wine was outstanding value at £14.95 a bottle. It was not a distinguished pinot grigio, by any means, but it slipped down very nicely. Booze is very cheap on Guernsey – I expect they don’t have to pay the same taxes we do here, yet the streets aren’t rolling with drunks. This claim that taxing booze will discourage drinking is a plain lie. The three countries I can think of with the worst drinking problems – Britain, Norway and Ireland – all have the highest drinks taxes, so clearly it doesn’t work.

Mr Oil and Mr Vinegar visited Crabby Jack's twice, on each occasion eating one main course and drinking one bottle of wine each. The bills came to about £95 the first time and about £60 the second.

Crabby Jack’s Bistro & Bar,
Vazon Bay
Castel
Guernsey
GY5 7BF
Tel: +44 1481 257489

manager@crabbyjacksrestaurant.com
http://www.crabbyjacksrestaurant.com